Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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