Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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