Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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