If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
