Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
