SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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