absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
