dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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