So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
