I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
