I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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