I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
