Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
