xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
