My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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