I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
