i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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