i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
