Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
