Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
