I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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