the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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