so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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