If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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