my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize