ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
