Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
