just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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