Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
