He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
