i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
