Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
