why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
