The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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