apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
