My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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