So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
