I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
