I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
