Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
