he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
