my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
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