My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yo dont text me then not text me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
