Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
