My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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