OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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