I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
