She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
