Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
