Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Randomize
