I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
