Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
